Sun, 30 Mar 2008

A Theory . . .

I have been amazed at dogs. You can leave for the shortest time and when you returned, they react as if you have been gone for a long time. I have wondered why and now, I think I have found the answer. You know about dog years. The fact that a dog's year is the same as six or seven of ours. Therein lies the answer. While you are gong only an hour, in dog years you have been gone seven hours. Be gone for the entire way and, to a dog, you have been gone a week. Mystery solved . . .

posted 08:28 [/Stuff] permanent link

Thu, 27 Dec 2007

Beer Wisdom

"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

-- Babe Ruth

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

-- Lyndon B. Johnson

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."

-- Ernest Hemingway

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

-- Paul Hornung

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

-- H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

-- George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

-- Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

-- Dave Barry

"BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C."

-- W. C. Fields

"Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser."

-- Professor Irwin Corey

"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!"

-- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

posted 18:18 [/Stuff] permanent link

Sat, 22 Dec 2007

Stuff I Receive . . .

I get stuff forwarded to me by e-mail. You have all seen them, stories, jokes, pictures, and more. Most of them I read, chuckle about, maybe pass on, and then delete. Others, I feel are worth keeping. This is the place to keem them.

I'm a fan of puns, primarily, I suppose because most are groaners. Here are a few:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
4. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
5. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
6. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
7. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
8. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
9. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
   wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. (I get this a lot at work!)

By the way, I removed the really bad ones . . . shows you what this section of the blog will be like!

posted 13:39 [/Stuff] permanent link